I am not who I thought, who am I?

I thought losing someone is ok for me, but just even imagining losing anyone even of slightest important to me is unacceptable.

I thought I am evil, but I never successful in harming anyone in my own conscience.

I thought I worship Devil(in every depiction I know), but I have pity on their victims.

I thought I like someone, but that thought makes me look into myself, I don't understand myself and both of us don't understand each other.

I thought I understand boyfriend girlfriend relationship well from reading, but I don't understand the process, how do they and how long they can avoid boredom.

Who am I? My mind state is constantly changing, I hate it, how do I find my anchor?